May 2008 Archives

I really just feel like I'm lying. Yeah, I went to the dog park with Jess and had fun, but now I'm sitting up crying, unable to sleep because of something I can't even talk about. Something I have no control over unless I put an end to it. This has been the most depressing and uplifting situation in my life, but I'm not sure how much more of the negative side I can take. I know this makes no sense to most of you, and I'm sorry for being such a baby and writing about it on here. I probably won't be posting for a while.

I've been reading a lot about human impact on the oceans recently, and the more I read the more disgusted I am. A few months ago I signed up for the Ocean Conservancy's newsletter, and I received one not too long ago with information about the International Coastal Cleanup that they hold every year. There's a very well designed and easy to read data report that everyone should read. 378,000 volunteers from 76 countries came together last year to clean up trash from oceans and waterways and ended up removing more than 6 million pounds of trash and debris. Here are some interesting facts from the data report:

• The debris removed was placed into five categories (highest % collected to lowest): Shoreline and Recreational Activities, Smoking-Related Activities, Ocean and Waterway Activities, Dumping Activities, and Medical and Personal Hygiene.
• "The majority of marine debris comes from land-based activities such as fast food consumption, beachgoers, picnics, sports and recreation, festivals, as well as litter washed from streets, parking lots and storm drains." Clean up your garbage people!
• Smoking-Related Activities accounted for 33.6% of all debris removed. (!)
• The volunteers collected 1,971,551 cigarettes and cigarette filters.
• 494,647 plastic beverage bottles were collected.
• "81 birds, 63 fish, 49 invertebrates, 30 mammals, 11 reptiles, and one amphibian were found entangled in debris during the cleanup."

If you don't feel like reading the data report, at least read page 18 which has 10 things you can do to stop marine debris. There's also a good clip on National Geographic's site talking about the ICC.

One of the things that has come out from going to therapy is that I struggle with making myself happy. I rely far too much on others to make me happy and I let others' emotions affect mine far too often. There are days that I literally don't get out of bed. Yesterday I only got up to let the dogs out, do one load of laundry and to check my email. I know it's a huge waste of time and silly, but I just can't seem to motivate myself to get up. I lay there and think of all the things that I need to get done, and I always convince myself that they're not important. Take a shower? What do I need to be clean for? Sweep the floor? Who really cares if the floor is dirty? Wash the dishes? There are still clean dishes if I want to eat something, so why bother?

I don't know why I can't figure out what makes me happy. The one person who truly makes me happy just sent me a text about nothing important, but I already want to get up and get ready and go. Why can't I make myself feel this way?

I'm not really sure what this site has become and what I want it to be. Ideally I would like to have a site where I can write about whatever I want and be honest with myself and everyone who is reading it. For some reason I've closed off my life from everyone, probably at a time when I needed support the most. I feel very fake posting photos that make it appear like everything is perfect in my life. I don't know why I've stopped writing. Fear of being judged, fear of offending someone, laziness?

Either way, I'd like to bring everyone up to speed with what's been going on. I'm not going to go into details right now, I could probably write a book about everything that's happened over the past year. So, to make things short and simple: I'm leaving Kory. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity, I just want you to know what's going on. I don't want anyone offering to fix our marriage. This has been going on for quite some time now, and we passed that point a long time ago. I know this is still very hard for Kory to deal with, but he's been very strong throughout this and has somehow still supported me through every difficult situation I've had to deal with. We've been really good friends ever since I told him I was leaving, what happens in the future is up to him (church issues). He already has his own apartment and is in the process of moving out right now.

I've been seeing a therapist for over 8 months now and she's been very helpful along the way. I still continue to see her every other week. I'm going through another difficult situation now, one that I can't speak much of. Things had finally seemed to stabilize over the past few months, for the first time in a while I finally felt like things were looking up and like I had control over my life. A few days ago this all got turned upside down and I'm back to feeling confused, unsure, unhappy, hurt, and hopeless. And it doesn't look like it's going to get better anytime soon.

So I struggle to remain positive, to think about what's really important in my life and to focus on things that will move me forward and in the right direction. The past year I've been through my lowest of lows and highest of highs, it's almost hard to comprehend sometimes. I don't know how I would have made it without my mom, Jessica and John.